Why do we doubt ourselves?

I can achieve some incredible feats, and still feel as though I am not up to snuff. I know it's not just me that feels this way, it's a common affliction. I want to learn to believe in myself. To feel confident when faced with new challenges, instead of sure that I, in some way, do not possess the skills for the task at hand.

I tell myself that, "I can only do my very best", as if my very best is someone else's very worst. Others don't perceive me this way. Other people see the ability, and would be utterly surprised to read this.

On the other hand, while I am busy being my own worst enemy, I am also equally busy building others up by affirming their tremendous potential.  I need to add myself to the list!

I have noticed that my internal dialogue is getting more confident of late, but still falls short of actual belief in my abilities. It's funny in an odd sort of way. I am intellectually aware that I am intelligent and capable, but it's not internalized in my heart of hearts.

I think I will begin each new day with some positive affirmations...

I am intelligent, I am kind, I am capable, I am learned, I am wise, I am strong, I am....

 

Textbook stuff,

The birthing of forever

Reflected in the soul

Like breath in winter

From warm lips

Condensed moments

These memories

Of then and now

Of life and death

Of us

The ache of love

Settled there

Causing a shiver

In bones

Now bleached white

I am counseling someone who has come to me recently about a new relationship that is experiencing some rocky times. These two young people are dear to me, and not wanting them to waste precious time or experience the pain of lost love, I am sharing my very hard won wisdom with them. While I can't prevent pain or loss, I can facilitate open communication based on respect.

I've learned that every relationship goes through some rather "standard" phases - not exactly romantic, but realistic nonetheless. Right now they are in the "storming" phase where arguments erupt and "faults" are discovered in one another. This happens to 99.9999999% of relationships (because we are human). For instance, in me, there are certain traits that I possess that in one set of eyes are a fault, while in another set of eyes it's a desireable aspect of my personality. It all depends on the eyes doing the looking.

In relationships there is no such thing as an absolutely perfect match, and there are times when arguments erupt over why Jane can't put the toothpaste cap back on or why Jim can't remember to put the toilet seat down... The question one needs to ask when entering a "storming" phase is this: Can I live with this person 24/7 if they NEVER learn to put down that toilet seat?  Is it going to drive me buggy or am I able to be unconditionally accepting of it and dismiss it as a non-issue?

What we put our attention to is what we give our energy to. Do we want our energy to go into the tearing down of love or the building up of love? This is when absolute honesty is critical.  If you "think" you can ignore that toothpaste cap, rather than "knowing" it's a non-issue, a time will come when the toothpaste cap pops up again and becomes an irritant - usually at a critical time when energy is low and fissures appear in the relationship. Something so "simple" can be the difference between staying or leaving.

Therefore, you have to truly know yourself, your limitations, your wants, your needs, your desires...and what you can and cannot live with.

Some of their issues revolve around this, and some of their issues resolve around definitions.  Yep, definitions.  They had a puzzled look when I said this, so I explained that definitions are critical to relationships.

For instance, if he shows her that he loves her by always changing her car oil, making sure the tires are properly inflated, washing and waxing her car and filling it up with gas so she never has to worry about her transportation, and her definition of "loving actions" does not include car maintenance, they are both going to be sorely disappointed. He's busy telling her he loves her and she's just not getting it.  Or, she is busy telling him that she adores him by always making breakfast every morning even though she is damn tired and would rather be at the Starbucks ordering a latte, but breakfast isn't on the list of "ways to show someone you love them", the cooking will be for naught.  Couples have to have similar definitions of love - or they will never fully feel loved and appreciated.

What is your definition of a loving action?  Does your partner know that? Have you ever really sat down and said "this makes me feel loved" and "this does not"? You would be surprised to find out what definitions some people have - and better to find this out while the relationship is young than to find it out when the relationship is struggling for its existence.

Because we are all unique, relationships are very much a complicated dance - both people have to know the moves or there will be sore toes...

I wish you love with few issues and all the right definitions!

 

Things I define as loving:

Saying I love you and really meaning it

Holding hands

Gently stroking my cheek

Accepting my children

Passionate kisses

Making love

Telling me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world and meaning it

Accepting me as I am

Getting flowers

Surprise presents small and large

Scraping my windows in winter

Pre-heating the cold sheets for me

Quiet dinners out together

Talking about things that are important with me

Sticky note "I love you's" on the bathroom mirror

Respect

Chivalry - Being a gentleman and opening doors, etc.

Announcing to the world that you love me just for the hell of it

Holding me close and looking into my eyes

Honestly listening when I speak

Giving the activities I enjoy an honest try before saying no

Singing to me

Sharing your secrets with me

Trust
Star Gazing from a shared hammock

I am in the middle of great environmental changes, issues of the heart, demands and fatigue, and yet I see so much beauty around me. I am constantly growing and becoming more - to the extent that I am surprised by it all.

My faith, love, and hope have become the cornerstone of my day, every day. Don't misunderstand, I still feel sorrow and regret, I still feel exhausted at the end of the day, and I still feel as though, in some way, I should be so much farther than I am, but I also realize that my expectations for myself are far more stringent than anyone else's expectations of me. Maybe that's a good thing, though. As Gandhi said, "We must be the change we wish to see" - my expectations of myself are fashioned with that in mind.

I am in the beginning of my last class before graduation, and it's an ethics-based course. I marvel at how people can discuss "business ethics" and "personal ethics" as if they are two separate things... My ethical code dictates that I "Do No Harm" whether personal or professional. I can't internalize that there would be a different me at work than at home, requiring two separate sets of ethics...

"Do No Harm" is a tough dictate. It doesn't mean that I tip toe around people, or bite my tongue when something is said that I can't swallow...it means that I take the time to do my very best to communicate, understand, support, encourage, love, and compassionately deal with those around me when I need to speak to what they've said. It also means that I think before I act, for actions without thought are one of the primary sources of hurt to others.

"Do No Harm" doesn't mean that I allow others to treat me poorly, rather it means that I protect myself and remember my worth, without entering into conflict with that person. I try to remember that it just might be that I don't understand what it is they are experiencing, enduring, or struggling with at the moment they lash out. It doesn't mean, however, that I willingly endure situations that are bad for me, or for them, for the sake of enduring or for a false sense of duty. I have grown enough to know that when it is time for change, change must occur for the good of all involved - whether I understand the purpose for the change or not.

I am still growing. I fall down and cry in frustration at some of the lessons I am having to learn, but I know that this too shall pass. I still see the beauty - even through the tears...

 

Careful now,

Breathe slowly,

A single misstep

And it all comes down

Each heart,

Edges bent,

Stuck together

In that house of cards

I waited,

An eternity

For you

To finish your game

This has been a crazy 56 days since I've last had the opportunity to log on to Gaia and connect with you. I am in a whirlwind of change in my life at this moment and tonight is the first time I have had the opportunity to log in and send my love and I am thankful for the little break - don't worry, I haven't forgotten my home here at Gaia!

September 6th is my graduation ceremony, September 8th I start my new job, and September 14th I turn 45.  Much going on for the next two months!

Hugs to everyone and much love and light,

Maggie

Have you every purchased a new appliance and could figure out some of its features on your own, but needed the manual for full utillization of the appliance?  Isn't that like life?  But where is the manual?

Oh that it should be so easy that we simply open up a book and have everything right there at our fingertips.  How much learning would we internalize in that scenario? We would memorize, but that's not internalization.  Memorization or memory fails the minute you stop tending to it.  How many of us can remember how to solve algebraic equations after years of non use?

Remember how hard it was to learn to ride a bike?  The movements are so simple, but the balancing was so tricky.  Yet when we finally learned, finally internalized it, we could ride a bike for the rest of our lives whether or not it was years between rides.

Internalizing something creates the reality of it. The full belief, without question, that it is so. How much power we have to truly create our own reality! Think about it. My student said that his life feels stagnant right now. But how much of that is what he's created, versus what the universe has created for him?

When I am driving in my car going 70 down the highway, I am simply moving from a physical point A to a physical point B and not really paying much attention to the distance between. When I hit a stoplight, am I stagnant? Not really.  The engine is still running, and I am expecting to step on the gas when the light turns green.  But why does a red light feel like stagnation?  Isn't it a stopping point that gives me a chance to idle?  To look around me and notice the people in the car next to me, the bird flying across the roadway to a nearby tree, the sound of laughter from pedestrians.  If I kept moving at 70 mph from point A to point B I would miss everything in between.

What if we believed that the stop sign is there for our benefit?  Would we still feel like it's stagnation? Or would we stop and look around and take advantage of the pause in the journey to explore where we are at that moment? And in exploring, discover something profound...

The beauty of the "plan" is that every moment is designed to teach, every lesson is designed to enhance, and we are the ones in control. The wheel is in our hands, the pedals at our feet, and the road will take us wherever we need it to. If there is a stopsign along the way, take a look around - you will be surprised at what you see...

When my daughter Laura was young, she had a book that I had to read to her every night at bedtime.  It was about a dragon that was trying very hard to fit in. He went from one animal or insect to the next looking for a home. For some reason that I can't remember, he visited the bees and they were rather upset. So he began to hum to get them to fall asleep rather than sting him.  The line in the book was, "hummm hummm hmmmm went the bees... humm humm hmmm went the dragon..." (or something like that), until all the bees were sleeping and the dragon had to plug his ears or fall asleep himself. 

At that time, I was just reading a children's book to my little girl.  This evening, 20 years later, I remembered the book when I started to hum as I was watering my plants. It made me think about all of the times I have tried to meditate and had fallen asleep, or prayers that were signed off with a snore. The universe must shake it's head at me sometimes. It's just so easy to fall asleep when you are humming along at the right vibrational level - the one of peace - when every muscle is relaxed, the mind is calm, and the breathing is deep.

Do I get frustrated by this?  Nope. Why? Because I connect deeply with my teachers when I sleep, with the mother goddess, with my dreams.  All of this is good for me in its own way. Yes there have been times when I was able to achieve deep meditation without snoozing, but the past couple months have been hard on me, and sleep is a precious gift now.

How many things like that do we take for granted?  Sleep, humming a tune, vibrating with energy...each of these things come so naturally that most of the time they don't elicit thought, let alone trigger a 20 year old memory!  But it's moments like that - when we don't take the simplest pleasures for granted - that make this life truly beautiful.

I can hear a bird singing outside my window right now. I can't see him because it's dusk, but the sweet whistling is clear. I want to open the window and hum to him.  hummm humm hmmm....

As a couple of my friends here know, I have the job from hell. I work for an individual that appears to have fashioned his way of being after the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde story. I have often wondered why this individual behaves in the manner he does, but have never truly discovered a solid enough answer.

For weeks at a time, he rages at everyone and everything, and then for a couple days, here and there, he is peaceful and at times, even kind. It is disconcerting to say the least, and the energy of this place reflects his way of being. Thus, there are times when I come home so exhausted I can barely move.

Today, I was told by a friend at work that my boss had made an offer to someone to take over my position. I have been aware of his intent to do so for the past six months, ever since I stood my ground and told him I would not take on the responsibility of directing two new departments without a corresponding increase in salary.

It seems he has found someone who is willing to, and I sincerely wish that person luck. However, that's not what this post is about. This post is about finding my voice. Let me explain...

Usually, I would not confront someone with this type of information. Usually I would quiety start looking for another position elsewhere and thank my lucky stars when I found one. This time, for whatever reason, I used my voice. I told him that I was aware of what he was doing, that he had been looking for some time and finally made an offer to someone.  I explained that I understood he had his reasons, whatever they may be, and that I wasn't going to argue with him or try to convince him otherwise.  I also told him that I had always done my very best and would continue to do so, but I would no longer tolerate the nasty things he says about me, and others, behind our backs. I explained that we are all adults, and hopefully, professionals, and that I deserved consideration and courtesy.  I then told him that I would gladly train whomever he decides to replace me with, but that I fully expected three months severence pay and a letter of recommendation.

At first he tried to argue with me, then he tried to insult me, then he tried to lie and say that the person he is hiring isn't going to replace me, but is going to come in and review the entire company and find out why it is economically crashing and burning. Near the end of the conversation I told him, very gently, that I understood his frustrations, his anger, and his feeling of helplessness. With empathy I told him that it would be a good idea to have an outside opinion about what is happening, but then I reminded him that I had tried to do that a year ago and he chose not to listen. I said he might want to listen to the new person instead of blowing them off, even if what they have to say is not what he wants to hear.

I'm not sure if anything I said actually made it into his brain to fertile soil, but I don't care. I found my voice, and said what I  needed to say, in a peaceful and calm manner. I feel better - even with such a dreadful situation.

I know that I was true to myself.

Regardless of what happens tomorrow, or the next week, or the next month, I said my peace. I refused to take on a burden that isn't mine, knowing that I have done an excellent job - my very best.  What I feel right now is peace...because of the power of my voice.

Love,

Maggie

I had a wonderful day today.  The sun was shining and I joyously rode my motorcyle for the first time this year.  I made it home just as the first drops of gentle rain started to fall. I felt alive and full of energy, so I decided to tackle some particularly difficult homework assignments I had been putting off.

The assignment was actually in two parts.  First, find a local charity and examine their financial report, then find your state CAFR and examine their financial position. For the local charity I chose Sharing and Caring Hands because it does so much good with so little - it's a shining example of love in action, with 98% of its funding going directly to the people in dire need.  I was astonished to find out that they provide everything from showers for those who do not have access to bathing facilities, to emergency rent assistance for struggling single moms, to 250,000 meals served in a year.  It's an amazing place dedicated to helping those less fortunate.  With a positive frame of mind, I then went looking for the comprehensive Annual Financial Report of the State of Minnesota, and that's when I started to get angry.

So many people today are suffering.  Millions are homeless or losing their homes because of the junk loans that were popular the past couple years.  Taxes are constantly going up. The price of gasoline is unbelievable, and the food shelves are seeing more people needing assistance for the basic necessities of life than any time since the great depression. In that type of financial environment I was astonished to discover that Minnesota has over 3 billion dollars in unreserved assets - and it's not the only one.

States, as well as the Federal government are investing machines. The "budget" (our tax dollars), is only one third of their resources. They can have a budget "deficit" and still have billions of dollars in reserve, earning interest, while people in this country go to bed without a decent meal, or without shelter.

I don't know how anyone in government can sleep peacefully, knowing there are billions of dollars doing nothing but accumulating more billions, while children are homeless and our elderly aren't able to afford medicines.

The candidates that run for office never seem to discuss this either - not Barack, not Hillary, and certainly not John.  Nor do those already elected. It's time for a grass-roots movement in this country. It's time for someone of integrity to stand up and demand that the surpluses held by the states, and by the federal government itself (trillions), be used to take care of the citizens of this country. Used to provide health care, food, shelter, clothing, and education, rather than used to accumulate more governmental wealth.  Wealth that is squirrled away and never discussed, and never returned to those who originally earned it - the elderly, the working moms and dads, or the college students struggling to pay for their educations with multiple part time jobs.

I am only one individual, outraged by what I learned tonight, and while I don't think that my small voice will start a movement, it's my duty to share it.  I am going to start here...